My mother had prayed for six years to become pregnant again. Had she considered avenues other than prayer? That was my older sister’s joke. And when I came along, finally, they gave me an old name from the Bible that means bitter and rebellious.
In April 2023, Toews is grappling with a question which she and her fellow panellists at a Mexican literary event must answer: Why do I write? Toews sends several replies, all rejected. She writes because Marj asked her to. A process which seems more akin to self-torture than enjoyment, it began in the letters she wrote to Marj when her sister was ill and shut off from a world which she, herself, had begun to explore. Toews’s father was bipolar, a teacher and a good one, who took his own life. Marj struggled with depression all her life, taking to periods of silence just as he had done. Toews left the Mennonite community of Steinbach, Manitoba, where she grew up trying her hand at a variety of occupations, from presenting the weather to acting, taking off for Europe with her then boyfriend in 1982. In 2023, she’s living with her partner close to her family including her mother who has weathered the loss of both her husband and her daughter.
I don’t believe my father and sister were impulsive. They spent their lives planning their deaths, living their deaths, almost dying every day, dying almost every day.
The writing question is the hook on which Toews hangs this brief, raw yet beautifully written memoir but it’s Marj that is at the heart of it. If you’ve read her fiction, you’ll likely know that All My Puny Sorrows draws heavily on the loss of her sister and will also be familiar with the mix of humour and darkness that characterises her work. Her series of letters recounting her European adventure is particularly entertaining not least thanks to the pretentious, self-important boyfriend given to lecturing her who goes into a massive sulk when she turns down his marriage proposal. Despite a tough life marked by loss, her mother remains a beacon in the Toews family, determined to make light of her own troubles, just as Siv’s Grandma, who shares her name, does in Fight Night. The book ends with a lovely family scene: Toews’s mother has been asked to keep score while her greatgrandchildren prepare themselves for ‘the world’s most epic lightsabre battle’.
4th Estate: London 9780008722845 192 pages Hardback (read via NetGalley)
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Beautifully written perhaps, but this sounds a tough, raw read. As well to choose the moment before picking it off the shelf?
I think forewarned is forearmed. It’s tough but there is joy in the strength of the family, particularly Toews”s mother.
Noted. Thanks.
I’ve not read Toews yet, but I guess this isn’t the place to start – or perhaps it is?
I’d say probably not. She draws on her family history and background a lot in her fiction. Of the ones I’ve read I think Fight Night is my favourite particularly knowing how much Siv’s grandmother resembles Toews’s mother.
I have seen her works on book blogs. Sounds interesting and heartbreaking.
Indeed, it is. The effects of mental illness ripple through the entire family.
I started listening to this and was confused by so many quotes from different authors interspersed with her own voice. Does that continue through the whole book?
I imagine that’s quite discombobulating. It does but much easier to take in on the page.
I’ve never read Toews, but I think I would like to start with her fiction before reading this
I think that’s a good plan, Cathy. I’d recommend Fight Night. Women Talking is superb but harrowing. The film’s also good.
Thanks!
I think Toews is a beautiful writer but I’ve been reluctant to pick this one up, knowing that it deals with death. Her novel, All the Puny Sorrows, is about 2 sisters where one commits suicide and it was a hard read.
If drew heavily on her relationship with Marj, Karissa. Inevitably, this is a tough read but there is a joy in the resilience of their mother and the part she plays in her grandchildren and great-grandchildren’s lives.
I’ve never read Toews but I’ll bear this in mind for after I get to her fiction. This sounds so moving.
It’s quite an insight into the effects of severe mental illness on a family. Her relationship with her sister is particularly touching.
Sadly I wasn’t able to push through the grim stuff at the beginning to get to the more positive family stuff later. She’s an amazing writer but then that means everything is so vivid and in such strong images.
I can understand that but the comfort is the way the family has weathered it all, led by her amazing mother.
Her structure of answering the question “why I write” is such an innovative way to frame her memoir. And I loved her mother, and the humorous anecdotes, which helped weather the tragedies, as you share here. I was quite taken with the book, more than I expected.
Her mother’s an absolute trooper, isn’t she. Such strength and good humour in the face of family tragedy. I loved that final scene.